Saturday, November 27, 2010

Talk about jumping on a craze...

Crest 3D?  Really....?  

Joke's on you, Crest, because I remembered it as Colgate 3D, and so did a number of other people, judging by the search results.  But we'll get to them in a minute.  They are not off the hook.  But you.  You got some 'splainin' to do.

Crest used to make its living making promises about our cavities.  Now they seem  determined to make us feel bad about the color of our teeth.  They are just not WHITE enough, says Crest.  Now they want them to pop right out of our head and through the Quidditch goal, it seems.

Enough with 3-D mania.  Life is ALREADY in 3D.  We are not idiots.  But since you bothered to write your "story," I'll humor you.

"Crest and Oral-B offer the transformative power of a 3D White smile to people everywhere, without the confusion or trade-offs of other whitening products available today, and with the health benefits you expect from Crest and Oral-B."

People EVERYWHERE.    

What does this mean: "...without the confusion or trade-offs..."You mean how I mixed you up with Colgate?  You must get that all the time.  And just tell me how do you remove "the confusion"?  You don't really say.

How dumb they think we are:  (real quotes)

  • "CREST 3D WHITE WHITESTRIPS WILL ONLY WHITEN NATURAL TEETH."   (all caps.  They are tired of answering this particular FAQ.)
  • "Do not use with dental braces."
  • "They contain high performance polymers...."  (Oohhh... polymers.  You are so space age. )

Best irony Moment:  They are very proud of their reviews on

Too bad DailyAppleAndANiceGlassOfTapWater couldn't help them out.

I never found out what the 3Ds stand for.  I think it just beat out "low carb,"  "Green"  and "iTeeth" in the marketing meeting.

Stay right where you are, Colgate.  You're in this too.  Know how I know?

Because I should never need help choosing my toothpaste.

There are so many varieties on the Colgate page that I can't actually show it to you.

That says "Caribbean Cool."  To hell with everything; I'm just going to chew toothpaste as gum.  And follow with a bubble-gum flavored flouride rinse.

Do not confuse your Caribbean Cool with Paradise Fresh, which is "Sparkling gel in brilliant gemstone colors of Aquamarine and Amethyst." 

 Did you know Colgate still makes UltaBrite?
It's Farrah's brand.  

When I asked why they still make it, it was not one of the FAQs.

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