Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Steaming cup of simile

Welcome to the Divisional Meeting at Acquireon. Some of the readership have wondered why there have been no Mill Updates in some time. Let me remind you there have been no updates for some time, but I take your point.

We are waiting for the quarterly divisional meeting to begin, and since it is being hosted from Elbonia, we are waiting at our desks -- the desks they make us drive to so we can talk on the phone.

Here's how the Divisions work: Lucrative, Legacy, and Sexy.
I work for Lucrative, which has some value I suppose -- except that when you work for the breadwinner, you grind grind grind.

Below the divisions are fiefdoms, and duchies, and I don't know what all. I am not the horse that pulls the millstone. I am the guy who stands in the town square explaining why the bread isn't baked, and serving you cake instead, while begging the baker to at least turn the oven on.

At this point I'll explain that mixed metaphors in a single post are one good way to dodge the spyware.
I'm also not writing very hard.

Nancy-GraceWe are trying out nicknames for New Grandboss, none of which may stick as we discover what makes her tick (and frankly, which side she's on). We sit silently by -- literally -- because this has historically been a guest spot on our little show. This is the 4th one I've seen, and I am still under 2 years.

The Boss was away for a week, leaving Grandboss at the mercy of one of the Crazier Brass, who are certainly imprinting her. Much farcical yelling of important data and deadlines and projections occurred across the cube rows, punctuated by rows of doors opening and closing. Possibly running maids and chortling butlers. That part might have been made-up.

There was a brief moment on Friday when we thought Crazy had pulled up stakes -- his office was completely empty, and he hadn't been seen in days. Turned out he was getting a new desk and he had a cold. The huddle broke up and we shrugged back to our pens.

This meeting is zooming over my head, lots of "COGS" and "EMEA" though "EBITDA" seems to have been mercifully retired. Draw yourself a cartoon of  EBITDA, TQM, and BHAG sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of an old folks' home. Approaching on the sidewalk, with suitcase in hand, is BRIC. One can only hope.

This being the Lucrative Divisional meeting, there is much talk of money, and we are earning much of it. Hooray for us! say the Execs, and that is nice. It is hard to be cynical in the Divisional Meeting, frankly. But it does reinforce for me every quarter that I work at some other company. We seem very far from this exciting town center. My new in-blog name for our little village might just become Anatevka. Our jobs are as shaky as... as.....

The Big Project I am Unqualified to Run (the B-PUR) was delayed. Today is the day in the week when I sit on the phone with the people who bought this project and try to drag it out of them. In project management talk, we overuse the "building a house" example. So this project is moving your mother-in-law into the caretaker's cottage on your property -- only you don't have a cottage, you don't own the property, and you don't much like your mother-in-law. But you've called the movers and I just got out of the van with a clipboard and said "where you want it, lady." Or, as we call it around the office, AOL-Time Warner.

The Big Project I Inherited from my Co-Shirker (the B-PICS) is so close to launch it has nothing left to do but blow-up. Times like these I think about when the charter buses failed to pick the student retreat up on time, when the staging was impounded for turning left illegally on Huntington Avenue, when we lost Ryan White's mother in the building while she was being introduced at the podium.
My counterpart on the customer side will be out that day. The launch day. He picked.

The Customer Who Wants Me Dead (Voldemort) made some threats today, but their jobs are as much on the line as mine. So we stand on a wall. You know the rest of that speech. 

The Little Contracts I Ignore are like untended tupperware containers of rotting food in the back of the fridge that do nothing more harmful than smell until the day they suddenly give you blood poisoning.
You can't say you saw that simile coming.

And the west coast wants me to come back for a visit. But the bonus plan is being paid out at 100%, and from the Lucrative Divison, that might not be so bad. I can't pay my bills with Sexy Press.

Hope you're enjoying National Blogpost Month.
Here's another NaBloPoMo participant for you to enjoy.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds eerily similar to my workplace, if only we had the potential financial rewards. is there any sane work environment?


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