Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Permanent contraception

or... don't name your baby Adiana.

I came across Adiana in my job hunt.  I have just linked you to it, so you could read the rest, but something tells me that it not what you come here for.  You come to see what threads the Drawing In Room can weave together with this to find something wholly new.

As Tevye says, "Well I'll tell you.  I don't know..."

Adiana is the trademark name Hologic has given its outpatient "alternative" to tubal ligation.
"You know you're done with childbearing. You also know the form of permanent contraception you want - no hormones, no anesthesia and no surgery. For women like you, there's Adiana Permanent Contraception."

uh-HUH.  Go ahead...

The failure rate is slightly higher than ligation (your or his) and has the same "risks/disadvantages" of having surgery except, says the fact sheet "Most women return to their normal activities within a day."

"It works by stimulating your body's own tissue to grow in and around tiny, soft inserts that are placed inside your fallopian tubes."  Again with the inserts.  You guys and your inserts.  You would keep the barbeque in there if you could.

"It leaves nothing in the uterus that might limit future gynecologic procedures."  Am I having more procedures?  Of course it leaves nothing in the uterus.  You just told me you left it in my tubes, this piece of styrafoam.  It is actually made of silicone.

Other things they stuck in us they were wrong about
- Dalkon shield
- Carboxymethylcellulose

The procedure takes 12 minutes, they say, which is how long it took to kill 500 people at The Cocoanut Grove.   (just something else to link to, in case this bores you).  You have to click a little further to find out how long the entire process takes. 

Here's your timeline:
- decide you are ready. 
- wait for your next ovulation - before it, actually.  You might also want to stop having unprotected sex, though the website does not advise this.
- if you have just given birth, wait 3 months.  Everything in medical science takes 3 months. 
- 1 or 2 hours before, take an anti-inflammatory (you know, so you can resume those normal duties)
- accept a local anesthetic into your cervix.  (scooch...scooch..)
- 60 seconds of "radiofrequency energy" in each tube
- now count your 12 minutes
the website says, "Before you leave the doctor’s office, you will receive discharge instructions."  That's not what they meant.  This is where a 2nd proofreader comes in handy.
- for the next 3 months you are still fertile.  Keep using your preferred birth control method.
- have your uterus filled with dye and x-rayed.  If the earplugs they put in there have sufficiently closed off your tubes, you are permanently sealed
- continue to menstruate, which you enjoy so much
- live with it, because there is no do-over

You can watch the vaguely described procedure here.

1 comment:

  1. haha - I made Hologics comment, and they did it on the wrong blog. But if they want to suggest a contracdeptive to Mrs Palin, I will support them in that.


Comments Build Community! We thank you for yours. Spam comments are not welcome and will not be posted.