Thursday, January 1, 2009

The internet wouldn't lie

AOL "news" is full of important things you need to know. and there is no time like Jan 1 for them to report The Most Important New News:

Your 2009 horoscope.

You'll recall that I missed my 2008 horoscope (root cause: lack of caring) and I wouldn't have gone searching for this one, but AOL offered it up with Keith Urban's bio and the Thailand nightclub fire. because those are all equal in social importance.

So let's see what the year has in store for me.
(does your monitor show that font as the color of a grape popsicle, like mine does? good.)

It's time to settle down and stabilize your life after all the changes of last year, when opportunity knocked at your door. [damn. I missed it. I was probably at work]

Jupiter, the planet of growth, moved through your sign, widening your horizons and showing you a new direction to success. [Sam Adams, the beverage of growth, also moved through me this year, widening a lot of things. ]

This year expansive Jupiter visits your 2nd House of Self-Worth, offering you a chance to increase your bank account while also improving your self-esteem. Although it can be easy to acquire material possessions now, be careful about declaring what you want, for you might end up with more than you need -- yet still lack happiness. [you know what I think after reading all this good news? What is my FIRST House of Self-Worth? Acquiring a 2nd house at this point would hardly increase my bank account, but I am for anything that would]

There's no reason to deprive yourself of physical pleasure, but make sure your metaphysical needs are also being addressed. Jupiter is part of a rare triple planet conjunction occurring this year that includes Chiron the Healer and Neptune the Dreamer, peaking on May 23–27, July 10–22 and throughout the month of December. [that's what he said. They sound like WOW characters. never forget that physical pleasure is right at your fingertips.]

Letting go of blame and forgiving those who have wronged you in the past are parts of a process that will build your self-assurance. [here we go again with the forgiveness. I am going to get to that blog post, really. I am]

Practical Saturn in your 9th House of Big Ideas [If I ever change the name of this blog, that's the winner] is there to remind you that you cannot climb every mountain you see, however ambitious and determined you may feel.

Grandiose thinking is exciting, but it can get in the way of accomplishing real goals by diluting your energy with unrealizable dreams. [ that is so funny, because I swear I said that very thing to the Boss just last week]

One of the basic planetary themes of the year -- a struggle between responsible planning and spontaneous self-expression -- is emphasized when restrictive Saturn opposes unruly Uranus on February 5 and September 15. This entire year and these dates, in particular, are turning points in a larger cycle that began on November 4, 2008 and completes on July 26, 2010. [Ok, now HERE it seems like we have some information we can use. February 5 feels very soon. Should I take the day off? Should I make any big decisions? What is the struggles between planning and spontaneity? Dammit, zodiac, do you see why you are not helping?!]

You can't get away with denying your true ambitions, for your suppressed feelings will leak into other areas of your life and wreak havoc. [joke's on you, zodiac. if you suppress your feelings enough, you can deny ambition entirely]

Examining your unexpressed emotions can make the difference between a year of great accomplishment and one of frustration and failure. [ yes, but which is which, eh? If I knew that, don't you think I would express those emotions?]

You'll begin to see where your life falls on this spectrum when Saturn first squares evolutionary Pluto on November 15, the opening volley in a period of dynamic personal and career change that affects you through August 21, 2010. [note to self: possible layoff day]

Pluto [not a planet, shut up , Pluto] is still in the beginning of a long-term visit to your sign that will gradually change much of your life as you now know it. [holy crap. Pluto is packing up the house.]

Eliminating nonessential activities can make the ongoing transformation easier, while holding on to old ideas of success will make it much more difficult. [I don't think I like this next year and a half]

A Full Moon Eclipse in calculating Capricorn on July 7 can reveal the flaws in your current plan for advancement. Rather than being a setback, though, this can show you exactly what you need to do to clear the path in front of you. [I don't think I'll sleep at all for the rest of the year]

Support from taskmaster Saturn suggests that you can persevere and reach your goals as long as you're willing to learn from past mistakes.

You see, if I had any goals at all, this would read like exciting news. This is no frame of mind in which to right my performance review. In a related story, according to Facebook quiz What 80s movie are you, I am Say Anything, which gives me the opportunity to say...

"I have this theory of convergence, that good things always happen with bad things. I know you have to deal with them at the same time, but I just don't know why they have to happen at the same time. I just wish I could work out some schedule." ~~ Diane Court


  1. And that is just one astrologist's opinion!! We tend to be more in charge of our own destiny that this would lead us to believe. I don't think such prognostications are of any great help. I read the daily horoscopes for all of us and laugh to myself about the generics of it. Happy New Year!! M.


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