Great moments in home ownership.... toilet shopping

As my own spouse, I get to have the best of both worlds in home repair: I replace things which are not broken and completely ignore the things that are.

So you know that if I am toilet shopping they are all (why, oh why, did I buy this house?) in working order. Just doing my bit to help the economy.

I do not say they are "perfectly good," because they certainly are not, and I don't say "there is nothing wrong with them," because this device has only 2 jobs: empty and fill. It doesn't do either very well.

It empties too slowly, fills the same and much too loudly, and uses a full fish tank to do it. So with a holiday weekend upon me, I announced that I was going toilet shopping (mostly for an excuse to use the phrase).

In the droll way she has of putting things so economically, Jen said, "How does that conversation go?" Well I am here to answer that question.

Do you happen to remember a Mad magazine moment where they parodied the way denture cleansers use giant round "tablets" in place of an actual set of teeth, knowing it would freak us out past the point of buying their product. (Does a question mark go there? I lost the harness on that sentence...) In case you don't.

So the first thing you want to know is: what euphemisms are in play? Really good ones.

Most of the pamphlets and packaging refer to "material." As in, "...moves material quickly away..." "Away," being another nice euphemism. A nice farm, where it can run and play....

Some manufacturers brave the term "mass" and attempt to measure it. In girth, I am afraid to tell you. "...Everything in the bowl," another copywriter tried. A little too on-the-nose, I think. As was "callback." You want the originality of American Standard, the brand so old it didn't have to be clever, until -- I promise you ----

I personally know 4 toddlers who would like to take AS up on this challenge. golf balls? Seriously - see your doctor.

Jim, the Home Depot expert, a strapping old New Englanda just said, straight-faced, "peepee" and "poopie." Well, why not. He also told me he was going to have sit down while we talked because he only had half a lung. So we sat on the edge of the demo whirlpool and talked toilets for a while.

His personal opinion of the AS was that the Champion 4 was hard to get parts for, and he wasn't very impressed with it. He likes the Koehler Cimarron -- which means fugitive, by the way, and I don't need one more appliance with an attitude in this house.

Jim explained about the "rapids ratings" of toilets -- like any body of white water (harhar) you want the highest number possible. I said I want whatever the Marriott buys, with that single button on top that jettisons waste like a NASA pod.


Who are the dual-flush for, you ask? Californians. Here in Clinton, where we don't even pay for the water, we are not so won over by the 1 gal mellow-yellow flush. But we do admit that the 3 gal toilet is just silly.


I have had TWO friends tell me (independently of each other) that I should spring for the soft-close lid system. I did not know this was a problem anyone had. Is there a rash of lid slamming? Don't you know to bend your knees? You open and close your oven and dishwasher all day long and that is a lot heavier. I don't lift the lid. I don't close the lid. hell, I don't even close the door unless you are there, then when I do I remember that the wallpaper is peeling off back there. I can't deal with it now, because I have company, but soon you will be gone and I'll hide it behind the open door.


Here's the info on the whisper-shut or whatever it is. In case you are worried the Feds will bust in and hear where you hid the stash.


And here is a DrawingIn classic in the spirit of the post.