Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Victoria's Secret

If you pay attention to the On the Nightstand section of this page, you'll notice that the Queen Victoria biography finally came off the nightstand. This does not signify that I finished it; it signifies that it lost my interest, and I would like to take a few minutees to ponder...

how could a biography of Queen Victoria lose my interest?

Not "someone's" interest, because plenty of the Readership find the Victoriana section of my brain completely uninteresting, and others (a minor few and honestly only tolerated by Miss Bender as hangers-on) probably wouldn't be caught dead carrying a book written by a woman, much less about one. But how did it lose mine?

I bought this book at the White Elephant, in beautiful seaside Essex, MA. Not the main one, but the 2nd one. It was 600 pages, $1, and subtitled "an intimate biography." What's not to like? I let it rest for years. First it was going to be the book that saw me through the next blizzard, then it was going to be a book I read for a summer.

If you are a girl who becomes Empress of Great Britian at the age of 18, after essentially never having left the house (because your family owns everything, and no one expected you to be sovereign anyway) and you rule for the next 60 years (and not just any 60 years, but those particular 60 years), and you kept a diary for every day of it....your life has got to be more interesting than Sidney Weintraub made it out to be.

All a big set-up for...


The page is a muted pink, with paper roses background and a watermark of the Order of The Thistle. The pink and red background overpowers the dark red, 8pt lettering, but what you can make out reads...

Female 26 years old
look around, I own it
Last Login: 7/3/1845

View My: portraits tableaux vivantes

Status: Married to my BFFL
Orientation: that's unspeakable
House of: Hanover
Body type: teapot
Ethnicity: German. but the English kind
Religion: C of E
Zodiac Sign: what sort of mesmerism is this?
Issue: 9
Occupation: Her Imperial Majesty The Queen-Empress

Alexandrina Victoria von Wettin
Birthday: may 24
Birthplace: Kinsington, natch
The Shoes You Wore Today: egg-blue velvet with some cunning beadwork
Your Weakness: ?
Your Fears: I think I'm going to get really fat in my old age
Your Perfect Pizza: mutton and plover, on a Tiffany tray
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: teach Bertie English
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: We R not Amuzed
Thoughts First Waking Up: who let the sun set?

Your Best Physical Feature: that's indecent
Pepsi or Coke: Camille tea infused with laudanum
Who I'd like to meet: PT Barnum
What Does Your Name Mean?: My parents were unimaginative
Pet names: Drina
Mrs. Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. we just laugh and laugh
Hobbies: riding, christening things, needlework, dodging assassins' bullets

Yr'Majesty's Friend Space
Yr'Majesty has 4 friends.
Albert {sigh}
the kids
good Lehzen
that hot stableman up at Balmoral. Must meet him.

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