RCE: worst renaissance faire ever

 

Subscribers to the Real Corporate Email feed (using that term so loosely) were denied one of the best this week.  This contribution, from one of our long-time subscribers, surpassed even Hall of Fame status by being bigger than RCE could contain.  It was more than my little mind could contain.  And commenting was going to take longer than the average search of our internal Knowledge Base, which is when I have the 30 seconds required to package these things up for you.

Instead I realized…. oh we got ourselves a blog now.

"We're taking our two-year-old boys to the renaissance faire this weekend and we thought it would be fun to dress them in period costume. The renfaire costume guide says ‘Until about age three children wore a biggins hat and a shift’ but I don't think we have anything around the house that could be used as a shift, or a biggins hat. Any suggestions on how we could improvise something for them? (We have neither the talent nor the time to actually sew anything...) I did stop by [known local monger] in [the town you would expect to have such things] but they had nothing suitable that small, just a lot of animal and branded character costumes."

We are about to draw the hell in.

”..two-year-old boys…” Well, of course you have more than one.  You managed to maximize production time by having multiple children in 1 pregnancy, thereby providing siblings and a single parental leave.  Net-net, you super achiever.

“..to the renaissance faire…”  Do performers at the Faire loathe toddlers even more than toddlers loathe smelly hairy men in fur capes and women with giant breasts you can’t drink out of?  You bet they do.

 

“…we thought it would be fun to dress them in period costume…”  Oh, for whom?  I should call this essay “Worst Anne Geddes Calendar Ever.”  People with costumed babies have recently had a cat run away… I wager.

“…renfaire…”  No.  I will not allow it.  Stop making everything “ComicCon.”  Use.  Your.  Words.

As for spelling “faire” with the superfluous “e,” I don’t really care.  There is so much else going on we can work with.

“…costume guide…”  Now, I have a lot of questions here.  Is there a guide to this specific Faire, or is there a Hoyle’s on faire costumes?  And judging by a very image search of the phrase “renaissance faire costume,” is it safe to say that the guide is a windshield flier that says, “State Law requires some clothing”?

You know, the “Renaissance” is about 300 years long. You have a lot to work with there.  Tell you what I would like to costume is the Harlem Renaissance Faire.

“’‘Until about age three children wore a biggins hat and a shift…’”  I just searched that entire clause, just to see what would happen.  And I just found the costume guide… at “renfaire.com.”  A point for my side, though, because the website admits that it used to be a handout.  I regret for all of our sakes that I do not have time to troll through this entire website for our amusement.  Lord knows I do have the inclination.

  baby cum biggins

 “ I don't think we have anything around the house that could be used as a shift, or a biggins hat.”  Even I think I do.  They are babies.  What are they wearing?

 

“Any suggestions on how we could improvise something for them?”   Agnolo Bronzino recommends several yards of gauze.   Perhaps you can bind them together, however many of them you have.

“(We have neither the talent nor the time to actually sew anything...)”  Not sure what to make of this parenthetical.  I have a suspicion that there is another member of this list group that tends to over-answer, with all kinds of charts and graphs, and links to other websites.  What an annoyance that kind of person must be.

“I did stop by …”  Here is where we start to realize that this note is not asking for help at all. It’s just an announcement.  No reply is needed, or welcomed, thank you.

“….nothing suitable that small…”  But something suitable for a Renaissance baby that was adult-sized?  Zounds.  

“…just a lot of animal and branded character costumes."  You put animal and branded that close together, and I am picturing only one  costume.  It features Natalie Wood and half of a cow.  (“I’m pretty, mama.  I’m pretty!”)