Is it too late to talk about Portland?

I do still carry a travel diary; I just don't write in it anymore. 

My 2nd visit to Oregon was much longer than my first.  It occurred this past February, as part of my farewell tour.  Just before the Company instituted an upsell quota, I packed up my sample cases and got the heck out of Dodge.  But not before they paid for a week in Portland.

For the record... I never saw Portland.  So don't ask me if what Fred and Carrie say about it is true.  I'll assume it is.  I did not go to VooDoo Donuts.  (But now they will come to me.)  I did not ride a bike.

In fact, I was put-up in Gresham, (aka Portland East, which is Portland like the Manchester-Boston Regional Airport is Boston) -- near the airport because I don't like to drive too much farther in a rental after I have already flown 3000 miles.  And because maps of other people's towns never make much sense.  This is how I ended up renting my first Boston apartment in Newton, when I did not own a car.  The itinerary was client dinner Monday, client lunch Tuesday, client workday followed by college-pal drinks on Wednesday, attention to the other 10 clients on Thursday, out on Friday.  One thing the fledging Road Warrior learns is to work some weekends in there.  They owe you.

What I thought I was reserving:  1 bedroom suite with kitchen
What I got: 1 King with mini-fridge and microwave.

I like the suite if I am going to live somewhere for a week because it feels so civilized. The complimentary breakfast at these joints can either resemble a Carnival Cruise at 1am or a box of Little Debbie cakes.  You should check those things out before you stop at the Safeway.  But it has been a long trip out, and I didn't want to leave the room once I was in it, so I made a grocery stop before check in.  Fortunately... I wasn't planning on a turkey dinner.  I was planning on dishes and glasses.  So back to The Dollar Store I went (conveniently located next to the Safeway) for $6 worth of hobo bridal setting.  Oh, and some razors because I forgot mine.  The razors you can get at a Dollar Store are horrible, but you get 20!

The other thing the Company owes you is a bottle of wine to live for a week next to Michael's Furniture.  Because it is always next to Michael's.

photo from http://derekthewanderer.blogspot.com/ - might be his; certainly isn't mine.

A Mt. Hood sighting is more rare than images on the Internet would have you believe.  Like most of the big western peaks, Hood has its own atmosphere that it hides behind.  Sunday was also a rare sunny day, and I was treated to a rear-view glimpse sort of like this, though the sky was much cloudier.  Still breath-taking -- I am not made of stone, after all.  Instead, I was up to the Columbia Gorge on the advice of the hotel manager when asked to meet my criteria of (a) close, (b) outdoors, and (c) quintessentially Oregonian.

But I had done some of my own homework.

Been following this blog long?   Beverly Cleary Elementary School stands near Klickitat Street, where it ought to be, and in sight of an unassuming sculpture garden (playground) dedicated to Henry, Ribsy, and Ramona.  Three life-sized statues -- something to do, and take pictures of, and it is true that anywhere you go in Oregon, you'll be more mesmerized by the trees than anything else around them, so you might as well start here.

I had also seen on the map a site simply called The Grotto -- and who doesn't love a grotto?  That's rhetorical, of course (and rather cliched).  I don't care who doesn't love a grotto.  Or Sara Lee.  I was all-in for The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother.  NATIONAL..  How National?  It scored "thegrotto.org" as a URL. 

Things to do on your grotto visit:  all of it.  Do it all like Disneyland.  It is a beautiful piece of land, with stunning views, Stations through the woods, a sweet giftshop (grandma-sweet, not skateboard dude-sweet), and a life-sized Pieta in a 100 foot cliff.  I had nearly walked myself ragged, and I hadn't left town yet.

I was not at all prepared to be driving right past Multnomah Falls, familiar to us pencil-necked easterners as the print from The Pottery Barn Catalog.  Imagine you are just driving some scenic byway in your Chevy Malibu and this is what is on the other side of the guardrail.  Of course you would stop.  And if you fancy yourself a skilled hiker, you'll even shrug at the 1.5 miles to the top -- even if you are wearing the wrong kind of coat and shoes, and have no water.
You'll curse all 11 switchbacks, but imagine the climb if they weren't there.

I still intended to get to the Gorge.  Sadly, after the morning I'd had, the gorge was a little anti-climactic.  I do want to plug The Interpretive Center Museum, though, which is a little like a mini-Smithsonian of the Northwest.  By that I mean, that in one small space you'll get pre-European history, town folklore, Lewis and Clark, an actual fishwheel, a steam engine, a lesson in conservation and our fragile environment, and the requisite cheesy museum experience film that sounds loud and moves fast, but never really tells you much you remember the second it's over.  And the world's largest rosary collection.

u-huh.

So, yes, if you're keeping score, I have made it to Washington, but not downtown Portland.   And this post may already be too long to read.  Let's talk about what we ATE tomorrow.

That much money

In a "down economy," someone had the means to give $10M to the Gingrich campaign.

You know that saying, "If I could just win the Lottery...."?
I am about to leave my job.  I wasn't surprised how openly people will ask me "what are you going to do for money?"  One of the answers I am considering is "I won the lottery."  Said quietly, out of the corner of my mouth, to give it veracity.   The closest I have come is a WASPy, "I have some means."

We all have some means.  It's like having "a temperature."  Some of us have more than others.
Like you, I have tried to figure out how little of a windfall I really needed to feel set for life.  Ten Mill would be just about right.  Five would get me into my 90s. 

The 4 "poorest" Billionaires only have $1B each.  (they sell their suits, but keep their sock garters)

Sheldon Adelson says he'll give 100 Million if necessary.   
Don't be shy.  We all have questions.

Who is he?
According to Forbes, he is the 8th wealthiest man in America, at $ 21.5B.  I can say "man," because thems are the facts.  The wealthiest woman is Alice Walton, and I have been meaning to write more about her, I just don't have help around the house.

What's that in normal-people figures?
I measure these things against the Harvard endowment, which does have more than Mr Adelson, but then he pays taxes, doesn't he?  (doesn't he?)

Where did it come from?
Ironically... gambling. That is to say, other people's gambling.  He bought The Sands in 1988.

Ooh...so he's "connected"?  Are you trying to get me killed?

I thought he was one of the good guys -- schools, and youth development, medical research -- Yad Vashem?!  All true.  We are judged by the company we keep.  And if you gave to the the Adelson Foundation to support those things, you got what you paid for.  Get your good night's sleep believing that your check went right into those funds.  This is one good reason to insist on Designated Giving.

So what about Gingrich? 
They disdain Palestine together. On the other hand, if you start trying to break down which ethnicities and which nations are "invented," you end up on an Escher staircase pretty quickly.
 

Well, that's the end of my Foundation support, then.
That's your prerogative.  Understand, though, that it is separate money.  Adelson's Super PAC "Winning Our Future" is the source of the $10-100M (chump-change interest from this Jed Clampett).  I won't link to them; it's bad enough I just clicked on it. 

"Winning."  Gambling pun, right?  If I understood more about gambling, I could do a long frontrunner/dark horse metaphor here.  But I'm at a loss.  (rim shot)
WOF identifies our President as "statist and un-American."  I was not sure how you could be both.  I had to look some things up.  "Statism" is a French concept -- FRENCH!, the people cried.  Boy, I tell ya, if those damn French had been in our Revolution, they would have --- what's that?  Oh. 

Plus, she's topless.

Anyway, Statism asserts that the government should control economic policy.
Minarchy is the idea of the most minimal legislated protection.
Menarche is getting your period.

but not today

Often, people who oppose Statism are called Anarchists.  -->
They might even shut the government down.  for example.

Winning also says that Mr Former Speaker can reverse the "heavy-handed socialist leaning" of the current administration.  (Heavy-handed Leaning.  That one's yours for the taking.)
" America will not survive another four years of Barack Obama..." says the website.  What could it mean?  Barrels for everyone?  I predict we would outsource the barrel making, too.

The blog Rooted Cosmopolitan discusses the rising costs of political campaigns in a recent post.  (Of course, you can see by their banner ad what they're all about.)  I found this, too, which is an interesting read.

It is French-leaning of me to assume that $10M could fund 166 $60K salaries for 1 year.  That is not a lot of people, and they still require health benefits.  We could fund over 4000 of those for a year with $10M.  Or, he could do as he likes with the money earned from the promise of instant wealth at impossible odds.  That is as it should be, and $10M can purchase about a week's pre-primary expenses for his candidate.  Even Mr. Romney might consider that "much money."

I have no conclusions.  I have become hooked on reading Politifact, and have spent much too much time on this post.  I have to spend more time on paying the Taxes.  Speaking of my modest means.

Your legislative update

Let's check in on (former) HR 1700, the mascot bill of our little website.

Recently, the leadership of the National Women's History Museum asked us charter members to generate some buzz around the project, and see if we could get it a little media attention (or at the very least, search results).  And desperately in need of content, as I often am, I will take the win/win.

Just yesterday, the museum's president  got some airtime delivering a 4 minute update.  I won't repeat it; you can see it here.  In the mailing to us, the leadership was nervous about having been pressed by spokeswoman Meryl Streep for something new to say in the way of progress.  Streep and I share a common complaint, which is... "show me some progress, and I'll show you the money."  I suppose if I had been nominated for more Oscars they might have listened to me (and if I hadn't written it manifesto style on the back of the pledge envelope."

Our little Bill is no longer HR 1700, having been reintroduced Bride in Blue style as HR 2844.  1700 now belongs to some Medicare thing, and I suppose we should care about that too, but I only have time to adopt one congressional bill at a time.  Our Bill is also now called "National Women's History Museum and Federal Facilities Consolidation and Efficiency Act of 2011."   zzzzzzzzzzzz   Would the Civil Rights Act have settled for "Civil Rights and Paperwork Reduction Act"?  I think not, sir.

NWMH makes much about the "progress" of being re-introduced -- they have to -- but we are still just trying to land authorized. 

They also tout "The Museum will be the first museum on the Mall designed by a woman."  This is the problem with women's history -- everything is still a "First" in a Man Bites Dog vein.  Recently the nightly news encouraged me to be jubilant about a woman running IBM.  And sitting first chair in the Boston Symphony.  In 2011, I should hope so.  

Once again, we'll send you to Govtrack, to watch the laws get made, and remade, and marinade.  Here are the current facts on bills related to opening a women's history museum in our nation's capital:

S 1741 actually passed the Senate in 2004, but didn't survive its legislative term, so it was "cleared from the books."  In girls' rules, this is a do-over.
S 501 suffered the same fate, but god bless Susan Collins for trying to introduce it again.  We can almost forgive you for 505, known as "See Something, Say Something."
S 1841 died in committee.  This is starting to read like Alpha-Gorey

Then comes 1700 in the 2009-2010 session.  Passed the House.  Stayed that way.  Its companion in the Senate died.  Now come HR 2844 and S 680 - main difference being naming a new address as 600 Pennsylvania,  near where the Newseum is today.

Since the museum was founded in 1996, the same year as the Martin Luther King Jr Memorial Foundation, the NWHM's day may be upon us.  In the meantime, go invent the cell phone, like Hedy Lamar did, or just send cash.  We hope to see you at the ribbon cutting.

Doncha think....

Slim & Steve

or...what I am thinking about in the staff meeting instead of the staff meeting...

I'm thinking,  given everything we know from television, film, and fiction, shouldn't I know at least one person who has hired -- or been tailed by -- a private detective?  And is this one of those cases where, if I can't think of someone, it must be me? 

Why wouldn't it work into a typical conversation, like children, pets, yardwork -- some universal (or at least American) experience that we have all been through.  Why isn't it a topic of stand-up comedy:  "What is the deal with those incidentals?"  I went to the phonebook (the WHAT? call the Smithsonian) just to see what I could come up with.  here in Central Mass, at the intersection of Meth Lane and Custody Battle, there ought to be at least one good quarter-page ad.

I'm having a fond memory of discovering the number of Escort Service pages in the old Richmond book, and trying to decide if I liked or hated what that said about America.

They are not under "private;" they are under Investigators, under a box explaining the proper licensing required of Investigators.  Sorry Yellow Pages; Internet beat you again. Explains the website of the LPDAM (say it fast, like I'll Be Damned) "Anyone who practices as a Private Detective, Bodyguard, Polygraph Examiner, Accident Reconstructionist, Insurance Investigator or Arson Investigator in Massachusetts must be properly Licensed, or the W-2 Employee of a properly Licensed company, under Massachusetts General Law, Chapter 147, Sections 22-30."

Accident Reconstructionist.  I want in.

I've been saying it was time to get out of the office.

LPDAM proudly expresses that they got that header box in the Yellow Pages.  This appears in a list of accomplishments of what "they" said couldn't be done.  Who "they?"  These guys:

 "They said we would never be able to win the fight to include PIs as an exemption in the Federal Drivers Privacy Protection Act, both at the Federal level and in the proposed Commonwealth's version. They laughed and said we were way out of our league"

(I imagine the first draft said "they laughed maniacally...")   

Federal Drivers Privacy Protection Act:   regulates how motor vehicle departments release driver records and vehicle records.  Exemption, eh....? hmmph.

"They scoffed at the slogan "In numbers there is strength, unity and progress." 

See, scoffing is just petty.  and mean.  The professional response is to scorn.

Be sure to use their "Find a Detective" button.  I'm sure it doesn't leave a cookie.  I'm sure.

This is not as thrilling as surfing the Sex Offender Registry, but you'll sleep better.

Hope you're enjoying National Blogpost Month.
Here's another NaBloPoMo participant for you to enjoy.
http://drchoneydew.wordpress.com/

Fall Back

Yesterday on the Audio Journal, the newspaper readers who are on air before I am did a little "bit" about the time change.  She says, "John, where will you be at 3am tomorrow morning," and he says, "Well, I have to stay home to turn my clocks back."  She says, "You know you don't have to wake up to change the clocks; you can do it before you go to bed."  (honka honka)

Here's the radical thing I do: turn them back when I get up.  Or.. I don't do it at all and let anarchy reign.

I never heard the full story on why Bush thought we should drag Daylight Saving out past the World Series.  This caused me to look up the Energy Policy Act of 2005, and be grateful I had an extra hour to plow through it.   Of course I didn't really read it; you aren't going to either, so let's get to the most interesting thing Wikipedia has to say about it:

Lobbyists for this provision included the Sporting Goods Manufacturers Association, the National Association of Convenience Stores, and the National Retinitis Pigmentosa Foundation Fighting Blindness.

Lobbyists against this provision included the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, the National Parent-Teacher Association, the Calendaring and Scheduling Consortium, the Edison Electric Institute, and the Air Transport Association.

Under ordinary circumstances, I would dive right into this, but I have a few "obstacles," as we say in the project biz.

You'll recall that the modem is fried,  (they are sending a replacement) and I never know how long I have the connection.  And even govtrack says this bill is too long to deal with. 

The other thing that you need to know is that this post is barely making today's deadline.  It is 8:15 now.  or 7:15.  or 9:15 - this is one of the clocks I think I haven't reset, and I still have to make sense of the work email before The Boss comes back.  (see point #1 about connectivity.  Or... as I have been told I pronounce it, Cone Activity).

So let's do what we do best and just speculate.  Like pundits.
Keep in mind that the groups named above are not debating Daylight Saving Itself -- I think we've all agreed as a society it is a silly idea, but like the telephone tax, we keep putting up with it.  What these lobbies are arguing is changing the time frame of Daylight Saving.  And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to have an opinion about that.

The thing I feel strongest about on this topic is the hackneyed conversation about the extra hour of sleep.  It is not an extra hour of sleep.  If you sleep 7 hours, you still slept 7 hours.  It is waking up at a different time of day.  If you elect to sleep another hour because you woke up at 5am on a Sunday, that is your prerogative.  But Daylight Saving did not create that hour.  You took it.  And why not get up, you lazy sack, and get an extra hour Awake that you are always complaining you are short of.

You learn more every day about why I live alone, don't you?

Ok, let's play Family Feud.
On this side, in favor of extending the length of daylight saving
Sporting Goods Manufacturers - "The additional thirty days of daylight will extend the outdoor season and are expected to boost demand for recreational equipment and apparel."  Jock, please.

National Association of Convenience Stores - one blogger suggests pressure from the candy industry, presumably in deference to Halloween, which no one wants in the dark anymore.  The NACS official position is not on their fact sheet.  My guess is that people do not dash into Mini-Mart in the dark.
Foundation Fighting Blindness - what Gordon Gund likes, the Foundation likes, and he has been chasing this dream for 25 years.  just why ... is where we are at the mercy of my stuttering modem.

Resolved: if you like DST, you want as much of it as possible.  At some point, this becomes self-defeating, as 12 months of DST just means... this is the time that it is.

And in this corner... people who say Enough is Enough!

the conservative clergy:  on this the Bishops and Rabbis agree - I worked for a few minutes on a "saving power" joke, but this needs to get posted today.   From the Compact of Jewish Commitment: "According to Jewish law, certain prayers.....cannot be recited before sunrise."
  The Bishops may simply be showing support.  I really couldn't prove otherwise.

The PTA  - more whining about Trick or Treat?  Only partly.  Mostly bus-stops and crosswalks.
the Calendaring and Scheduling Consortium - if you think there is a future blog explaining this... you are damn straight.
Edison Electric - Boo-frickin-hoo Edison.  You already have enough money.
The Air Transport Association -   In 2005, ATA warned of "..."significant disruption to both domestic and international airline schedules and will give European and Asian carriers a competitive advantage over U.S. airlines."


Oh, is that your excuse, then?






Hope you're enjoying National Blogpost Month.

Here's another NaBloPoMo participant for you to enjoy.
http://www.lifewithaparasite.com/

Piping Hot Cornucopia

One more point about the power outages -- maybe not the last, but I'll admit it is one more than you want.


Oh, the People are Angry that this has gone on so long.  There have been some fists pounded on table this week on Beacon Hill, and one "man on the street" commented (cwawmentit, we say) "How could [National Grid] not prepare for this?  what did they do to prepare?"  (he says prepaya)

And really, Sully, what did you?

Did you bank some food and water?  Did you charge your batteries? Did you trim your own trees?  Did you head out of town Friday afternoon for a hotel room in Troy, New York?

Did you think to invest in a "complete 3-Month, 2-Person Food Supply" - with 55-gallon barrel water storage system.  Then let us learn for the next time…

It's a what now?Look at this photo - what more do you need to know?

How big are those?Most of the photos on the Shelf Reliance website do not include other objects for scale, but I agree that they look about the size of a canister of Protein Powder from GNC.  Eventually, I found this video of a home party (blink. blink.) that demonstrates these containers as exactly the size of a GNC canister.


What the heck is in there?  Powder?Maaay-beee.  Sometimes it's freeze-dried.
According to the video, dry eggs reduce the fear of salmonella.  Aaanddd… “many of our products were Kosher at one point.”  (but, no, they aren’t anymore.)

Dare I ask about meat?Before you have to turn on each other in the bunker, you learn to love TVP - textured vegetable protein, "a meat substitute that you reconstitute with water or chicken or beef stock you make with THRIVE bouillon."



Do I?  do I really?Even though this is emergency/survivalist food, there is still an assumption of a kitchen.  It won't suit your bomb shelter or cave, but it will your compound or lair.  It's all in how you see yourself.

So sell meWhat I want to sell you on is Costco item#566053 pictured above.
$1000 for 3 month's worth of food for 2.  96 cans in this attractive food pyramid array, though I expect it comes in boxes and you pyramid yourself. 

Keep goingFood groups include

• grains (oh, Mommy, let's try the spelt!")
• Vegetables (most in the market for this system like to grow their own, but if conditions don't allow, fruits (harder to home-grow, and you will want bananas)
• dairy (including 4 kinds of cheese)
• Meats and beans (which you can group together because the meats are beans)
• something called Basics, which are cooking ingredients and seasonings
• six-pack samplers (sadly, not what you think, or what we all buy when the storm is a-comin'.) These are little sampler packs that can NOT compete with the Costco Thousand-pack.  If you are gonna do this, go all in.
• Desserts.  Before I even click this, I am going to expect astronaut ice cream, and I am not disappointed.
• The Entrees look no worse than anything Jenny Craig offers, and
• Drinks are just Kool-Aid mix.

Is it at all nutritious? Click each product in the food group area for the familiar Nutrition Facts label. Most items do appear to be whole food, with the exception of the Entrees.  Beefy Chili has 68% of your day's sodium and 100 calories an ounce.  So get yourself a can of the “beefy,” the beans, and the tomato powder and see what you can do.  Or just become a real vegetarian.

What's the most popular item? First Aid and camping stuff.  It's much cheaper. The crank-driven blender is pretty awesome, too.
I almost bought the Vigilance Survival Pack Supreme for One.

Calculate your food storage needs in the THRIVE plan.  I created a family of 3 with no ready-to-eat options for 12 months, and was recommended 848 lbs of grains, 41 lbs of vegetables, 38 lbs of fruit, 190 lbs of dairy, 89.5 lbs of protein, 32 lbs of salt and 15 lbs of boullion (so.. 50 lbs of salt) and 5 lbs of sugar -- Total cost... $7800.  Of course, you can get on a monthly installment.

What's stopping you?
Why are those labels so creepy? Because the world is a harsh place, the End Times are near, and you have gone crazy.

Who can live on this? These guys.

PS: Shelf Reliance sells MREs too.

 Hope you're enjoying National Blogpost Month.
Here's another NaBloPoMo participant chosen somewhat at random for you to enjoy.
http://southernfriedchildren.blogspot.com/

Fast food pranks you can play

   There is never more than 1 person in my town KFC when I am in there, but there is always one, taking a long time at the counter so that I have time to stand there and think of how silly it is to succumb to a KFC craving now and again, and inventing reasons to justify my standing there.

They also have a disproportionate amount of food cooked and ready to be served, to the 2 of us who are going to come in the entire day.  Ours is a KFC/Taco Bell store, a pairing I have never understood, but no less than (say) Pizza Hut/D’Angelos.  Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins.  Brangelina.

Once, on my way to a party, I stopped in for a party box 'o’ wings, which they do sell – 20 of them for 14.99.  I asked for 2 orders and the kid behind the counter said, “we don’t have that many.”  I said, “It’s on your menu,” pointing to it, to show him where it hangs.  From where I am standing, I can see a full banquet of chicken in all of the Col’s recipes.  I bet I could find 40 wings in there.  I said, “It’s ok if you mix them up,” and he said, “No, he could not do that.”  Sometimes Dunkin Donuts will tell you that can’t fill a Box of Joe, which menu item is entirely their idea, but they will gladly sell you a gallon of ice cream.

Today, I went in for just a 5-box, because I had justified to myself that it would feel like eating a lot of KFC without really doing so.  The popcorn chicken will serve this purpose, too, because there is no chicken in there. You must realize that.

The menu (still right there…point) offer 5 wings for something like 4.99 in branded sauce names like “hot,” “b-que” and “extra sticky.”  I asked… stay with me on this one… could I get 5 original recipe wings. 


Counter lady punched the cash register buttons in a purposeless way, like I move my cursor around while running a Webex.  Buying time.  She pointed at the menu – it is such a helpful gesture – and said, “those are… hot… or buffalo.”  I said, “Could I get 5 of the original recipe?”  Now I point at the racks of chicken behind her, somehow already made by 12:30 on a Saturday.  “It’s not the same price,” she says.

How much is it?  Of course, you would ask.  There is nothing else for them to do until the next person comes in behind me while I am taking too long at the counter.  It comes to over $8, and I say “that’s crazy,” but in a way that includes her as a partner in my surprise.  We’re working people; we know that’s crazy.  Ri-i-i-i-ght…?

Never mind that.  I switch to breast and wing, which the menu lists as a meal.  And I say, “can I get just the chicken?”  And she says to the cash register, “It’s better if you get the meal.”  for whoooom….

While she is ringing it up, I ask, “Why is there such a difference in price? You’ve already cooked them.”
“Those are really small,” she says, and makes a little OK with her finger and thumb.
“That’s interesting,” I say.  (No, isn’t.)  “Because you would think chicken wings would all be the same size.”
She shrugs and mumbles, “No, those are…” voice trails.
“Not really wings,” I say, with an intelligent nod. 

They can’t wait to get me out of there.

A great idea everybody had

 

“Let’s meet at Walden at one,” Amanda had said.  Oh, how nice… It wasn’t the first sunny day we have had, or even the hottest, it wasn’t even the first nice-ish Sunday.  But it might have been the first hot sunny Sunday that wasn’t also a holiday weekend.  Whatever message was in the air, we all got it.  And there was no getting to Walden at 1.

 

  The sign originally said “re-open at 1:30.”  What really closes first is the painfully small parking lot.  For a while, they will look the other way at pedestrians and bikers who step over the non-barrier barrier fence.  But even after a time, the crowd is just to big to manage safely, and they will cap it at 1000 at a time as best they can.

You heard me.   

When you picture Walden, leave off Thoreau’s Walden – far from town, and all to one’s self.  Today it sits off our smallest east/west “artery,” which you could hear from the shore if it weren’t for the screaming  children.

And this is how our day turned into a quest for more pond.

I had to drive well past the entrance just to turn around (forcing me to wonder, as I often do when making this turn-around at a closed Walden, at least once a summer, “why don’t I ever tour the Gropius House?”  But I had people waiting for me in the prison rotary, so I pressed on.  We reconvened at the bakery – Amanda, Mark, and I.  They had already eaten, but since we didn’t know where our next meal might take place, I had a sammich and we sat by the creek and waited for the 1:30 re-opening, even though we had already seen the line of cars waiting to be let in, and no sign of people leaving the pond.

Back to the road we go.  But I’ve already spoiled the 2nd act by showing you that the pond is now closed until 4.  Mark cuts a U-turn right in front of the kid in khaki, who is some kind of state grounds keeper, but not a Ranger, so… screw ‘im.  I try the same move, and he steps in front of me, “Actually…?”  he asks, like a teenaged girl, “You can’t really make a U-Turn here.  People have had accidents and stuff.”

Son….?  They gave you a little hat and a whistle.  Why don’t you exercise your ersatz authority by directing this here traffic on a 2 lane farm road, where bare foot kids are tripping over towels from one side toi another, and you have left NO turn-off except for me to drive the GROPIUS House – this is a racket you’re running with them, isn’t?

Know why I said instead?  “Ok… like… put up a sign.”  burn.

MCI Concord’s parking lot turns out to be a very convenient place to meet people.  We reconvened and through out ideas.  I volunteered that I have a pool at my condo, but it is in Clinton, (as if we are not about to drive halfway there to the Hopkinton State Park). 

Listen, it may not be a 100 ft deep kettle hole, but it was warm and clean, and the crowds were spread much farther out.  We stood in water up to our necks and gabbed for an hour like we were on a patio drinking beer.  mmm. beeeeer…..

The ice cream truck played the Battle Hymn of the Republic.  In little tinkly bells that melded into America the Beautiful, and I did feel it was my Gawd Givin Right to have me a Richie’s Italian ice.  If this were a “Why Mass is Pissah” blog, this paragraph would just be about Richies, but instead it is about the wonder that where I come from, the ice cream truck would never play this song. 

A soak, a dig in the sand, and Italian ice, an argument about were we’re gonna eat afta’ –  the Sunday you wait for and can never really plan, but you can find if you just try hard enough.

Hope your summer is progressing the same.

Grasstapo

Condo life means putting up with a lot of... "say."  "Say" is a passive-aggressive form of "hand."  Here's a prime example.

In recent years here at Del Boca Vista, there has been a militant interest in the condition of our grass.  And individual condo yard here is about 20 fit square.  My bedroom might be bigger.  If you live on a corner, the line between your grass and our grass starts to get murky, but it is all their grass in the end.  And They are deathly afraid of brown spots.

It all started a couple of springs ago when the gas tanks were replaced in the backyards, which was a Big Dig of its own kind (and I believe when the mice proved in, thank you very much).  Lawns were relaid and reseeded and we were asked to please water. 

Watering one's 20 sq ft lawn is a tedious process that exposes you to the neighbors and everything that's wrong with the outside of the house you never look at -- starting with learning that the outside faucet leaks.  I am working on a way of turning it off and on from inside at the moment.  That's today's big accomplishment.  And if I replace the screen door at the same time, well get a load o' me.

Of course we didn't water.  All over Central Mass are towns enforcing water bans through systems that fall just short of Shirley Jackson's lottery, but we are watering our brains out.  "One of the best times to water is when it's raining!" says the newsletter.  mmm...hm..  Because we sit on 65 billions gallons of free water, we should use it up 20 sq ft at a time.

Things to yak about in Massachusetts include the outrageous "wat-a" rates and whether you are on town or soo-a, reservoir or MRWA.  Bore yourself over it here.  It's lower than "how did you get here" and "how bout them {sports team]," but it will come up at the cookout.  Clinton sold its soul (and a whole lotta land) in 1897 in exchange for not paying the water bill.  So yes they can force us to do it.

The Grassatpo was born.  Like most para-military organizations, it began reaching out to the neighbors who were annoying and disliked to start with, and gave them a little power -- in this case the power to scold and bully us about whether we were watering often enough, long enough, with enough patriotic zeal.

This season, the band formalized, with a title, a structure, and I expect before long fluorescent vests.

So at this hour I should already be out there, bed-head and all, sprinkling a lush green lawn that the officers of our village feel is living proof this work is necessary.



Keep Calm and Carry On.

Do you know what your company needs?

Corporate Chaplains of America does. 

You know how one of the lines in our cultural liturgy has become "Counselors will be present on site for those who need assistance"?  I found out where they come from.

When I worked in the world of Higher Ed, nuns and priesst, and rabbis and chaplains were easily had -- and I'll admit it: sometimes we talked to them about stuff we might not have talked to the Boss about.  I would say the same about the campus nurse and the head of student counseling.  So maybe it wasn't just the collar.  Maybe it was the well-scrubbed hands.

Anyway, I dare say that if you don't now work on a college campus, or in a Bon Secour hospital, you may not have ready access to the holy word in your workplace.  My position is not going to be for or against this in principle.  It is going to be wonder.... what that character on your little show would be like.

Because if you thought these 2 jokers were weak and ineffectual....

One of my favorite moments on The Office is Andy Bernard trying to mediate a conflict resolution, "because I was an R.A."  That's pretty much what I imagine your Corporate Chaplain is like.

"Corporate Chaplains of America implements a variety of means for caring in the workplace. These include any or all of the following: confidential care giving, crisis intervention, critical incident care team specialists, management consultation, programs for worship or prayer, referral to other professionals and agencies, training and education for employees and supervisors, employee/community/church relations and programs, and special events scheduled in response to needs which arise in the workplace. "

This need might have been such a need.
Maybe instead of the Muscle, the big man could have brought the Heart.
{{blllli-i-ii-ng..... The More You Know...}}

Start your visit to CCA through their introductory video.  Enjoy the corporate gear the chaplains get to wear.  I think we all know how much respect is given the co-workers whose jobs require the logo -- without irony.    "Their dress code is khakis-casual."  Their own press says that.

"Whatever the scope of each family's problems or concerns, Corporate Chaplains of America has a network of qualified and caring outsource providers that can help."

family?  seriously, CCA.  That is not helping.

HOW trained?  Oh, highly trained.
And temperament tested.   Like dogs from the shelter.
I wish this were also true of my management tier.  I think if we started our monthly departmental meetings with a round of "Peace That Passeth Understanding" ... I was going to say something else, but now I am just going to say... I would pay for that myself.  I might just start it on Wednesday.

 This is why he is so happy.  Cause you-all is craaazy.  And he gets to leave tomorrow.  The site explains that your chaplain is shared among 3-5 other companies.  Are they comparable companies?  Are they competitors ? Does he organize sandlot baseball, like Bing Crosby might have done?

This slide comes at the end of the video.  They hope you haven't noticed the line at the beginning, where they promise "...a life-nourishing resource built on christian faith and a helping hand."  Non-denominational must mean "other than ours."


Do not scoff at Corporate Chaplains.  Their 5 year plan might be more ambitious than your own company's.

They slid the dry-cleaning and the workout room right in on you.  They made you think you wanted your dog there.  And as long as the United Way decides where to spend the charitable donation the dept director pressures you into, you might as well have Bible study there too.  Why leave?

Coca-Cola has 25 of them.
Tyson Foods, 127.  Corporate Chaplains
LubeFast.       (stop it. that's not funny)
Though I should clarify that those companies were contracted from mycorporatechaplain.com.  A rival corporate chaplain placement service.  Chew on that phrase a while. 

Strategic Petroleum Reserve

A "barrel" of crude oil is 42 gallons.   The US produces about 9M barrels a day.  Every day.  What freaks me out, though, is that we store 727M barrels  inside caverns of salt.  

And I can't stop thinking about it.
 
Bayou Choctaw....is actually leaching, which means the salt is...melting, or something I might have learned in Earth Science but no longer understand. 76 million barrels' worth are supposed to live there, but they need to be moved, says the Secretary of Energy, or maybe just sold.  Or how 'bout this idea: "Congress has authorized the Energy Department to spend $33.5 million for a replacement, and officials are buying a privately owned cavern - also in the Bayou Choctaw salt dome - with a 10-million-barrel capacity."

A privately owned salt cavern .

West Hackberry: the other reserve in Louisiana.  Pleasantly located near the Hackberry Recreation Area and Lake Charles.  227 Million barrels here.   If you are trying to visualize 227 million of something, there are 300 M people in the United States.  Picture them as squat metal cans.  Hell, just picture that New York street in Tootsie as Dustin Hoffman walking between squat metal cans.  That's freaky enough.

And it's not even the biggest.  254 Million barrels are tucked into Bryan Mound, TX.  Perhaps because it is the biggest, it has the best press.  "... a young mining engineer by the name of Bernard Baruch discovered a salt dome..."  We have a salt dome in  Massachusetts -- but it is not naturally occurring.  (we don't think)

That's actually a sale pile, not a dome.  We wouldn't be able to store our oil barrels in it.
After Bryan passed his last cloud of sulfur, it seemed only fitting that we would turn it into the mattress we stash our mad oil in.

It isn't really stored in barrels, like a nation of hoarders might do.  It's in there loose and oozy -- all the better to "draw down."  This is the best FAQ I found about that.

My favorite Strategic Petroleum Reserve has to be Big Hill - Winnie, Texas.  Not just because its name simultaneously evokes Texas pomposity and aw-shucksiness, but because the Big Hill got B Roll!  Lots of it.  But I still can't get my mind around what the devil a salt cavern is.  I didn't have the bandwidth to launch any of the videos (or the CIA needed more time to capture my IP address).

SPRs are born..and they die.  Competing for an oil reserve is not quite like applying for the Olympic Games.  You have to have the primary requirement of having a salt dome, or knowing how to make one -- which Richton, MS does.  Weeks Island was retired, in 1999, due to sinkhole-related disorders. It reads exactly like the kind of lurking problem on your own job that you might menrion to management and they would say "what do you want me to do," and you would again be grateful that nothing truly important hinges on the response of your management team.

I loved this uniquely American sentence:  "This facility was a conventional room and pillar near-surface salt mine, formerly owned by Morton Salt."  I was determined to find an image of the Weeks Island sinkhole -- it was 36 feet wide in 1995!  I was not successful, but here is some seismic velocity tomography, whatever that is.

related freakouts:
Centralia, PA
Yucca Mountain
The Granite Mountain Record Vault
That hole in Guatemala

Speaking of family values….

Well, Trick or Treat for you, UNICEF. I tend to come late to "current" events.  Most of my life is lived in "arrears."  I like a little reflection, as you may have noticed. 

So I won't try to express outrage over my latest discovery that the U.S. has never ratified the UN's Convention on the Rights of the Child, crafted in 1989.  We're not known for our treaty ratifications.  We're rather famously known for not liking to be told what to do (while we're stomping around in other people's glass houses).  It's just embarrassing whenever we turn up in sentences like, "Only two countries, Somalia and the United States, have not ratified this celebrated agreement."

It is always interesting when the UN declares things "legally binding" when there is no global court, but an honor system is a start. How it does ruffle the hegemonic feathers.  The principles we will stand on, even when we wrote the document itself.  Let's take Somalia off the table for a moment -- their lack of government makes it difficult for them to do much of anything.  Let's set our own house in order.

The Articles of the CRC are surprisingly readable, more so than our own Constitution, and much more so than, say, the King James Bible.  There are 54 of them -- I won't enumerate them all.  Some are "a child is a person under 18," which is already of international debate. 

Others are "this text will be documented in the official languages of the UN, etc."  And in between are things that cover toddlers working in shoe factories and youth having the right to assembly.

The US did participate in the creation of the CRC, and in 1995 signed it with the hand of Madeleine Albright, but does not recognize it as binding.  Freedoms and such, you know.  But then, we also don’t recognize the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination.  They’re not the boss of us.

Who could be against such a thing, you ask?  Jesse Helms, for one.  “Bag of worms” was his (muddied) term.  Well, you know, f*** him, and the grave he lies in.  Seriously, what was wrong with that guy?

Some of the sticky statements in the plain simple English of the CRC:
“Neither capital punishment nor life imprisonment without possibility of release shall be imposed for offences committed by persons below eighteen years of age…”  We just can’t get out from under that one, can we?  Since the modern revival of the death penalty in the US, about 20 juvenile offenders have been executed – we wait until they are over 21 to do it.  That’s how we get around being completely reprehensible, but that’s not what the article says, is it?

“States Parties shall respect the right of the child who is separated from one or both parents to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child's best interests.”  A statement that may have made a difference to Elian Gonzalez, though we still would have argued “best interest.”

“states shall take appropriate measures …To develop preventive health care, guidance for parents and family planning education and services.”  Not the agenda at present.

Before we rail only against the Right, we must acknowledge some language that prickles the US Left as well:

Article 6: “States Parties recognize that every child has the inherent right to life. “  That statement may not be so charged in a country where children die from mosquito bites, but them’s fightin’ words around here.

Or this passage, within Article 20 about children “deprived of …family environment”:  “When considering solutions, due regard shall be paid to the desirability of continuity in a child's upbringing and to the child's ethnic, religious, cultural and linguistic background.” 
Well that’s awkward.

And, as we have discovered, homeschoolers fall on both sides of the ideological divide.  Article 28 appears to make provisions for both paramilitary and hippie curricula, then Article 29 specifies what seems to prefer the latter.

And probably none of us wants the kids to know this is in there:
"Parties shall assure to the child who is capable of forming his or her own views the right to express those views freely in all matters affecting the child, the views of the child being given due weight in accordance with the age and maturity of the child ...”   

I am not moved to demand the immediate ratification of a not-truly binding Convention that I mostly agree with, just to avoid being on a bench with Somalia.  But I do believe that if we are not going to play along with the body we invented that meets at our house… we might want to keep quiet every once in a while.