Mother's little helper

"Oh," said a friend, spotting 2 wine glasses in the sink, "What's happening here?" 
I said, "I drank alone.  Twice."

I spend a lot of time with the parents of pre-schoolers and I testify that Mommy's post-bedtime glass of wine is sacred.  And don't play holier than thou with me -- I've seen your Facebook statuses.  I'm having bookends made for you, in the shape of a Starbucks mug and a goblet.

I will smugly say that it takes me no more energy to get through 8 hours with a 3 year-old than 8 hours with anyone else.  But with anyone else it takes a lot of energy.  There is a reason your Auntie Mame lives alone.  But several times a year she can show up with her carpet bag full of hatracks and crayons in her purse and show your pack of li'l no-neck monsters one heck of a good time.  (that was a trifecta of mixed metaphors.  show respect)


I am not as delicious as a 9 o'clock chardonnay, but I can be as intoxicating.

Little kids dig me for the same reasons married men dig me, I think:  I give the impression I have never heard their stories before, I don't care where they leave their shoes, and I let them win.  If you think I just compared your husband to a child...it's nothing you've never done.

Before a certain age, your child will ask in advance of my arrival a) if I have any children, b) if I am staying "over the night," and sometimes c) if I am a boy or a girl.  I have no longitudinal study to explain this, except that before that certgain age, childen are not likely to know grown women without children and therefore think of motherhood as a secondary sex characteristic.  Or I am flat-chested with a deep voice...

When you are on the phone with me, they will climb on you and beg for the phone, then once they have control of it nod in response to everything I say.  I will lie to you about what I said, and it will surface later in their early adult therapy.  And oh..how I will laugh. 

Next they will show me every toy in the house, in a mad rush to do everything in their plan before Mommy and Daddy completely dominate the guest and everyone goes back to talking about painfully dull adult things only now there are more of them doing it. 

These are the magic fire-from-the-sky-make-the-moon-go-black tricks I have for kids under 6:

Spelling - it's witchery!  Write my name!  Now DOG.  Now LEAF.  Now NOODLES!

Sorting - Legos, dolls, Matchbox cars, cookies, book sizes.  Bring it on.  I got this.

Story telling - I stumbled into the discovery  that my goddaughter did not know The Wizard of Oz.  I have shown an adult their first snow -- that used to be my biggest  vicarious thrill until I impressed Cowardly Lion on a fresh brain.
(I left some things out, like what's in Judy's cup.)

Singing - I know the words to everything: Wheels on the Bus, Mom Threw the TV Out the Window, Go Down Moses.. I'm hanging onto Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts for you.  They'll shoot milk through their noses.  I stunned my niece into silence once by jumping in on cue and without fanfare to a Green Day song (you know, the one with only 2 verses, and you can understand them.  But it was cooler than turning vampire.)

Sitting on the floor - at least until recently.  I may need something trussed.

Now booking, 2-3 weeks in advance.  I have references.




Hope you're enjoying National Blogpost Month.
Here's another NaBloPoMo participant for you to enjoy.
http://www.bluecollarcatwalk.com